The Training of the Humans

A subtle meow to my dear readers,

A very welcome to my jot. As you know the regular writer has given me permission to write; or rather I had demanded that I write this post. We cats always get our way.

My name is Tigertje, and I am the grand dame of all cats. You see, I am already 24 years old. You may think that it is young, but do try multiplying it by seven to get my real age in human years. I am then 168 years old. My life story is as long-winded and fascinating as I am. Although I now live with the kind people in the Netherlands, I am actually French. I was found by the roadside on the French pastures by vacationing caravans 24 years ago. My mother was dead and she left a litter of kittens; all of whom were my brothers and sisters.

The humans had roast chicken with salad and potatoes on their arrival Thursday evening. I was so glad to see them. I was wondering if they were ever going to turn up. 

We siblings were all fortunate in that the owners of each caravan took us in as a pet. However we were all separated as a result and till this day, I never saw my siblings again. My owner and his family took me back to Holland by caravan and I lived with them for 18 years. I had a good life, and after those 18 years, they decided to move house. I do not know what humans are capable of thinking; sometimes their minds seem irrational to me. They left me in an animal shelter. Yet I was only in the shelter for a couple of weeks before I was adopted by my kind Mama and jovial Papa.

Providence has a way of working itself out. These humans turned out to the former neighbours of my previous owner and off I was to a new neighbourhood which Mama and Papa had moved to. I have been living with them ever since at the Nile Crocodile Road. 

Now I have gotten very old and I get cranky when I do not have human attention. I was a diva in my prime so naturally it takes perceptive humans to serve me. So when my Mama and Papa went for a holiday in London, they got their son and daughter-in-law to cat-sit me over the weekend. That was fine for me and I looked forward to seeing how I could get things done by way. Different people can be manipulated in different ways. What works for Mama and Papa might not work with my new proteges. 

They arrived on Thursday evening. I was very happy to see them as I had been alone almost the whole day with the exception of the neighbour’s visit to feed me the previous day. On Friday, the Brainless – yes, I would call the daughter-in-law that. She had no experience in taking care of cats. So I decided to teach her for a bit.

Gentle Giant initially wanted to make chicken fillets with butter filling ; famously called Philadelphia chicken based on the brand of the company. Yet he was too lazy to do so afterwards and opted for roasted chicken instead. I thought laziness was meant for us cat species only for my Mama and Papa were never lazy.

First I was angry with her because apparently she found window-shopping more entertaining than a cuddly cat like me. She left the house in the morning to Middenwaard, a shopping complex some fifteen minutes away. The Gentle Giant – that’s what I call the husband – sent her there by car. She was to walk back but alas Brainless got lost and arrived home half an hour later than expected. Upon reaching home, she had to check on whether or not I was still alive. She went charging up the stairs to my sleeping couch – that’s where I sleep very soundly indeed although I tend to sleep at a few places during the day. She just had to yell at me.

“I’m home now. You can come downstairs.” She said.

As if I would after her abandonment of me. So I carried on into dream world. To tell the truth, I am also a little hard on hearing but it's just a secret between you and me. Brainless then had lunch consisting of sushi and salad in the garden. I could smell the tuna from the bedroom, but I enjoyed the comforts of my chair too much to leave the room. 

At four in the afternoon, she fed me with my organic chicken pate. She gave me half the packet and I gobbled it all in one go as I was very hungry. Brainless seemed happy that I was eating the food.

On Friday morning, the first of September, the couple had omelette with bread for breakfast. This time the Gentle Giant was not so gentle with the frying pan for he practically burnt the bottom of the pan black while preparing this!  After breakfast he had to rush for work and left poor Brainless with the scrubbing of the pan. It didn't work either as the pan was just too black. Brainless then soaked the pan with washing liquid for the next two days and nights. I would say she got a little lazy here. 

Brainless had a web-cam session with her mother on Friday noon which proceeded in animated conversation. I wanted to make myself shown on screen and I sashayed past the screen showing my good figure. You would see that I am a handsome cat. I am not fat like most cats in this neighbourhood. I am slim and look great for my age.

Yet, I must have eaten too much. Half an hour later, I threw up right on the kitchen floor in a big puddle. Brainless complained to her mother about me. She got some kitchen paper to clear up my mess and then used washing liquid to wipe the floor. She complained that I was a naughty cat.

Well, and I meowed to her that I had a very delicate constipation. I can’t be blamed for that, can I? Have some compassion for my nerves.

The Gentle Giant came home for dinner. They had pizza because Brainless was too brainless to do any cooking in an unfamiliar kitchen. They watched the telly after dinner and I could see that Gentle Giant ought to get some exercise because his belly was bulging out offensively from every point of view. He calls it a prosperity belly akin to the Laughing Buddha but I call it a hot water bottle ready to explode.

Brainless loved the outdoors and would spent hours on end in the garden provided that the sun was not shining; or barely shining. She had an issue on getting too tanned. Friday noon was perfect for her as it was partially sunny and very windy outside. Beats me why she would want to freeze while having her salad; which was also cold food indeed!

I can never understand why humans act the way they do. In fact why would they want to serve me?  

The show that they watched that night was called “The General’s Daughter”. I was not interested and sought to distract them by walking on their laps; above their heads from the back of the sofa and right in front of them. I purred on them. I wanted to be petted, to be fawned upon and to be the Queen of the Night. And rightfully so, I got what I deserved. You see, the way is to act like you deserve it, and then ultimately you will get it because you are so confident of yourself. Instead of watching the telly, they should have watched me for I am the General's Daughter; if not by blood - by strength of character. 

While they were staying here, I functioned as their wake-up call. Every morning at about eight, I would purr at the door until someone opens the bedroom door. With my Mama and Papa, it is very easy. They wake up when I purr and open the door for me; letting me jump on the bed to be their lamp post. Come on, after all, they already had the whole night together! Gentle Giant and Brainless really tested my nerves. They slept through most of my purring and wouldn’t let me come in. Brainless said she was terrified of cats jumping in on her when she was in bed. Gentle Giant was too gentle to say no to his wife.

Sushi which Brainless had on Friday noon. Why, she did not offer me any. I would have love d the tuna seaweed wrap. 

They fed me a few times a day on that particular Saturday. I shall always remember it because I really felt like the Queen Victoria. I meowed and purred every two hours in the morning for food, and then in the afternoon, I drove Brainless crazy by meowing every fifteen minutes for food. She must have fed me ten times on Saturday afternoon itself while the Gentle Giant lazed on the sofa playing Final Fantasy on the computer. Guy, you’ve got to move it a bit! You’re not a cat, you know. You can't afford to sit sixteen hours a day.

I did not throw up because I was satisfied and because I ate smaller portions throughout the day. Now here is a diet tip. If you want to retain a figure like mine, you’ve got to snack throughout the day. Eat big portions and you will be throwing up like me.

They had a barbecue on Saturday and I could smell the aroma from the barbeque stand. It was nice being in the garden and I pestered Gentle Giant to give me some meat which he did. I am not vegetarian. I eat chicken meat and pork too. I wanted to lick the pan after they had finished their meal but they wouldn't allow me to, so I sulked and went back to sleep.

Look, I am famous enough to be represented in the Page a Day calendar . I did not charge them any modelling fee - this is my one regret till this very day. 

On Saturday night, they had pork pate for dinner while watching the telly again. This time some criminal show - “Criminal Minds” I believe. They slept late that night, even later than I. After the show, both used their own laptops. Gentle Giant found a sort of scratch-smudge on his laptop screen and asked Brainless about it. She said she didn’t know how that ugly mark got there. Gentle Giant tried to clean it up with a cloth and it worked.

Suddenly Brainless got her brain functioning. Alas, it was not in my favour so no plus points for her there. She hit bulls’ eye when she said that it was all my doing. I had purred my head at the computer screen and got my … ahem…saliva there. Well, it is nice to be reminded of me, no?

The garden of Mama and Papa is bright and cheerful in summer. You can see the cosmos - a type of aster species of flower and bramble berries climbing from the fence. Brainless loves to photograph the cosmos flowers and eat the bramble berries. I cannot fault her for her enthusiasm. She just roars with energy; flipping about the garden like a crazy puppy.

She did yoga, stretching exercises and leap frogs all on one sunny Sunday morning and as a result of that, woke the whole neighbourhood up with her clumsiness; and gave herself sore thighs to last another week.    

Come Sunday morning, I woke them up an hour later because I was dreadfully tired from sleeping late with them the previous night. They retired to bed at one am while my Mama and Papa usually go to bed by ten pm.

I finally got to go into the bedroom and pounce on the bed, courtesy of Gentle Giant minus his wife, who was already in the garden doing some leap-frog exercises. Very clumsy and making so much noise as if the sky was going to fall. She even got herself stung by a wasp who thought that she was a flower because she went too near flowers in the garden for photography. She also got herself pricked by a rose thorn all in the pursuit of photography. How silly.

“Darling! There is a bee on my hand. I don’t know what to do!” She yelled.

Salad for the couples' barbecue lunch on Saturday noon. They decided to take advantage of the good weather that noon itself instead of waiting for dinner time to barbecue. It is common knowledge to every human and cat species that the weather in the low lands is unpredictable. 

At this point of time, she could not distinguish between a wasp and a bee.

Gentle Giant was slow to respond as the blinders were down and he had to get dressed properly before he went out to the garden, as this neighbourhood is not very private.

By the time Gentle Giant came to his wife’s aid, the wasp had already flown away.

“Sorry darling, I had to find something decent to wear.” He said.

Brainless now had a numb right elbow. Strangely enough, she said it wasn’t painful despite the fact that the wasp had used its hind legs to poke into her skin, making up and down gravitating movements for some time as if drilling a hole into her skin.  

I'm trying to look pensive and melancholic here. I want to look like those brooding cats. This makes me very musical, no? I learn from the human world too. I see that musicians and people of artistic capabilities often brood. So can I, and what more, my eyes are bigger and starrier than human eyes. I do it better than any of you, no?

Later they had lunch in the garden. Again with the Gentle Giant cooking up a meal while Brainless did the brainless jobs of cutting tomatoes and nothing more. Brainless has his philosophy of not touching things which she is unfamiliar with. The Gentle Giant is more adventurous but can be very slow like a sloth. Together they make quite a pair, but I dare say they match each other perfectly.

They went out for a walk to the Park Van Luna; literally translated as the Park of the Moon. This is a place where there is a park integrated with an artificial seaside. This is our neighbourhood’s newest development. Thereafter they had dinner at a Chinese restaurant before finally returning to the house to check on me; and of course to make sure that I do not starve to death or die of boredom. 

My lovely garden outside where I can go in and out as I please any time of the day. Normally I take a ten minutes walk daily; no more and no less. I am no spring chicken, you know. 

My Mama and Papa arrived home soon after. I was delighted to see the dear old lady and her husband. Yet, maybe I’m getting a little too old for my liking. I am now sentimental. My heart was heavy to see Brainless and the Gentle Giant go home. I hoped that they liked me enough to come back for another trip.

I heard from Mama that she would like to go to France end of this month so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the young couple will be back to my path of pampering and treating me the way I, the grand dame, ultimately deserves to be treated. I am not a bad cat, I am just a cat with attitude with a capital "A". 

Meow, meow and may peace be with you,

The grand dame,

September 4^th, 2012